mrs. neely

toward the end of sunday service, the minister asked,  ‘how many of you have forgiven your  enemies?’

80%  held up their hands.

the  minister then repeated his question.

all  responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

‘mrs. neely?’; ‘are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’

‘i don’t have any.’  she replied, smiling sweetly.

‘mrs. neely, that is very unusual.  how old are you?’

‘ninety-eight.’  she replied.

‘oh, mrs. neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live  ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in  the world?’ 

the little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

 ‘i’ve outlived the  bitches.’

funny medical signs

googled some funny medical signs:

de

. . this one is a scary health center!

to

. . yes you read that right, they have it!

de

. . visit this dental clinic if you want what they ‘offer’. 

engrish-funny-cancer

. . reserved.

st

. . yes ladies, you can visit your ever dependable gynecologist, dr. stiff.

wo

. . stiffy’s colleague who specializes in women’s incontinence, dr. wood.

pl

. . lastly, try to figure this one out yourself!  lol.

daddy’s calling

 

riiinnnggg.. rrriiinnngg..

hello?

hi honey, this is daddy.. is mommy near the phone?

no, daddy.  she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle paul.

but honey, you haven’t got an uncle paul!

oh yes i do, and he’s upstairs in the room with mommy.

brief pause.

uh, okay then.  this is what i want you to do.  put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and tell mommy – that daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.

okay daddy, just a minute.

a few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

i did it daddy.

and what happened, honey?

well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.  then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now, she isn’t moving at all!

oh my god!  what about your uncle paul?!

he jumped out with no clothes on, too.  he was all scared and he jumped out of the back window, and into the swimming pool.  but i guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it.  he hit the bottom of the pool and i think he’s dead.

long pause.

longer pause.

even longer pause.

then daddy says:

swimming pool..?  is this 486 – 5731?

no, i think you have the wrong number!

the hurt feelings report

Date: __________ 2008

Time of Hurtfulness: __________ am/pm

 

A. Which ear were words of hurtfulness spoken into? _____ left _____ right _____ both

B. Is there permanent feeling of damage? _____ yes _____ no

C. Did you need a tissue for the tears?       _____ yes _____ no

 

Reasons for filing this report.  Check which one applies:

1. ___ I am thin-skinned.                    

2. ___ I am a pussy.                             

3. ___ I have woman-like hormones.  

4. ___ I am a little bitch.                      

5. ___ I am a queer.

6. ___ I am a cry baby.                         

7. ___ I want my mommy.                    

8. ___ All of the above.                        

 

Name of the “Real Man” who hurt your sensitive little feelings: ____________________

If you feel that you need someone to hug, go home to Mommy and let her hug you and change your diaper.  If you feel as though you need to speak to someone to soothe you, please call this number: 1-800-CRY-BABY or 1-888-SIS-GIRL.

Girly Man who filed report:  ____________________

Signature of Girly Man:        ____________________

Real Man (person who is being brought up on charges): ____________________

Signature of Real Man:          ____________________

Superintendent’s Signature: ____________________